A LIFE I WISHED WAS IN FRONT OF ME

And so one morning it happened, woke up on a Saturday cloudless day
after a night spent in partying, getting high and doing all the stuff
to which the majority promises will bring the fun factor in life.
Walking across my room, with dreary eyes pondering on the moments
spent, felling utterly light and a feeling of weightlessness in the
body, guess may be the aftereffects of all those liquor and weed!!!
Waking up I went to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror, yet
there was mirror but not me. Am I dreaming again, but no I was there
breathing yet no image on mirror, I frantically waved, made faces,
glimpsed but the mirror didn’t reciprocated with my expected image. I
tried opening the tap to wash but nothing and to my utter surprise my
hand passed by from the tap, try as much as I could, yet could not
grasp anything, my brush, my towel, water nothing.  Was it real or an
imagination, yet it was something happening to me, I rushed out in
total bewilderment and froze for a moment by looking at the sight in
front of me.
There in front of me I was lying, sleeping all cuddled and tangled in
my blanket, and a feeling of shock also emerged, how it is possible.
Am I dead or dreaming?? I tried touching my other me’s sleeping
forehead, called several times in frantic efforts to wake me up but
nothing happened. Everything baffling, disturbed, hazy and confused
feeling enveloped over my senses, it was as if I was hallucinating yet
could not say anything to anyone. I ran to other room, tried waking up
my room partner but that dumb moron was also snoring, it seemed at
that instant  all what I tried to do was in vain, wanted to throw
everything upside down, wanted to change something and shout yet all
was muffled. I only could hear what I was thinking, but can only hear
this thumping sound emancipating from me, deep inside me.  At last,
may be, because of helplessness of my situation, it dawned and
occurred that may be I was dead, somehow must have died while
sleeping, and maybe it’s my soul that is watching my body all resting.
The mere thought of this swelled my heart, and a big lump came to my
throat.
Okay , a new discovery that spirits can also be emotional dawned on
me, I wanted to cry my heart out , but sadly no tears were coming and
yes I again recognized without tears crying is not same or rather a
safe haven for the people who are hurt,  though I was crying yet
nothing physical was there for it. Crying  needed something physical
or else the pain percolated deep down and remains in you which is what
makes it more worthless  and agonizing which I was undergoing through.
 Immediately my eyes went above and looked at someone called GOD,
funny incident, all the more when I was physically able to do
everything I didn’t even cared about the so called GOD and here now
was all tied and helpless, asking for a divine source to provide the
solution of all the riddles I was facing.   At that panicky moment
just prayed Oh God!! If only 5 more minutes I wish I can talk to my
dear and near ones, but then who where they exactly?  I tried to
recall one name, that would be closest to my heart, and I if I ever
could just say that I am going to die, please miss me and the same
shall I do for you wherever I would be!! But all that came was a big
blank and a zero. Funnily all my life had many people around me but
trying thinking about them, there was nothing, absolutely no one but
darkness, complete darkness and hollowness and a thought occurred what
a waste of life it has been. Man, it was truly turning out to be a
nightmare if ever I am dreaming or else it is a morning of revelations
where in sadly I was the victim and I was the one trying to teach a
dead body some late lessons.

I sat sadly, and watched as my room partner came, tried to wake me up,
something in my heart expected from my dead body to rise and show some
reactions, but sadly as expected there was nothing. He tried but not a
zilch moved, to which ultimately same like me as expected he panicked,
screamed, shook my body and called for some help, the only difference
was no one can listen me. After like an eternity, people started
arriving, all shocked and this guy sat bewildered, after all he wasn’t
as bad as I thought, people came, all those whom I knew distant,
closed relatives and for the first time felt good. Don’t know why, but
people crying over the sight of my body gave me a calming joy, a piece
to an un-agitated mind, a different kind of feeling that yes people
missed me.  I went out, in pursuit to see those faces of all people
who were sad and missed me, expecting and emotional, but as already
said expectations hurts, it was only a tear or so from their side and
then in their discussion I was in oblivion, it seemed like a
materialistic object has been removed from their life, a source of
entertainment and the tears were symbolic representation of a shock of
a commodity that would no longer exist.

Well as said there are friends and there are blood relations,
something in my heart told me to be buoyant on time and patience …hope
and optimism are words that won many a battle, I waited for my family
and people I loved to come, to know and then prove me wrong that there
are people who would be shocked, appalled and sad for my death.
Meanwhile, they carted my body along with people in a gloomy mood yet
at the same time all busy in their daily chores, and sadly with them
it was me who was following my body. I still don’t know whether I was
in a limbo or just waiting for some angel or a devil as believed to
appear yet here I was following my body, though in few hours my
parents came, cried, with some relatives consoling them and shedding a
tear or two whom I had also lost the count and some crying and
wailing. Well all together the situation was all gloomy which only got
a little bit light when my body was being taken back to my native
place, transported and me sitting with myself ,invisible and watching
my body being transported.  Being in a big convoy of vehicles, people
stopped for food, for drinks and refreshment, got down though faces
were serious yet the daily affairs going on.
What I was expecting, they should stop for me even forget their basic
needs??? All because I was not there. Wrong, very wrong, in fact no
one even bothered to cast a glance on my dead body, and what world I
was living in my dreams, God knows, but yeah if ever I get a chance to
go back which I knew would never be I would try to rectify some things
and restore.

Well in a span of less than a day after reaching to my place and
people crying and wailing, I was left confused. On one hand there they
were gossiping, smiling, making jokes and here the same people were
serious crying, funny are human emotions. With much fanfare and
everyone dressed white they took my body to the Cremation ground and
burnt me.
I stood there wanted to cry but sadly again no tears, but yes as the
body was burning so was a dead weight was being lifted on me and
somehow I felt I can hear everyone’s thought about me . Most of them
thinking about how  young I was  and this untimely death without any
cause , some thinking I enjoyed my life and being envious, but,  in a
remote corner I saw one girl standing in this group of women who
otherwise were not allowed to come , yet they were outside the ground
watching me burn.
In that group I saw her, my friend; my life who would have become my
wife had I continued to live, and in spite of all the differences we
had we loved each other. Confusions, fights, tensions but an invisible
attraction bounded us, I went near her, trying to touch her hair and
wipe the tears that were rolling, tried listening to her heart. It was
like a maze of thoughts and wasn’t able to decipher anything. Only
thing I knew she was thinking about how we spent our time together,
how we shared everything. Learning about the pain was too excruciating
to me, never in my life has been so helpless so miserable where I
wanted to do something but wasn’t able to do it. I looked at my mom
and there she was thinking about so less time spent together, all my
childhood memories, and how she missed me as I was being busy making
my career  and wasn’t able to spend the time together.  After watching
the women in that small group I couldn’t believe my friends to be
there, crying and thinking about all the sweet times we spent and how
we loved each other.

All in no time these sad gloomy people started returning back and I
was left alone, eventually with my body turning into ashes in some
hour’s time, was watching my remains, and then felt the worthlessness
of the materialistic tensions, money and job which I took but now
worthless.  All that sadly summed up to a Sifar, a big zero, with no
existence whatsoever left. What was the use of all those efforts and
the tension when I could have lived my life more happily? I could have
travelled to places where I always wanted to be, love more, explore
more, read more, wanted so more to know, but unluckily and sadly had
very less time. Just wanted to cry and shout to the people whom I
knew, not to be fools and robots but live their life and they sadly
were sucked in this vicious cycle, everyone stuck in non coherent
activities just for the sake of survival which wasn’t even permanent.

After many hours of thinking I saw a lonely figure standing besides my
ashes, it was a female figure  her face covered. Amused and surprise I
went near her and to all my surprises  she was one of my closest
friend I ever had in my life, we had been friends like for 10 years
and then went on to live our life separately and it’s been years I had
the chance to meet her. All the old emotions came surging in me, I
looked at her she had changed  a lot and she was crying , crying
uncontrollably all alone , with which my heart was aching by the pain
to see her all alone shedding her tears . She was saying we could have
been together if you would have thought about spending the life
together, we always were there for each, we understood each other
shared our sorrows and the confusions and did the most stupid things
together yet why did I let her go, was it just because of the
friendship and if this means so much to me then would have thought
what was best for her or what she wants.  And here I was all confused
and bewildered with this unexpected happening of events,  have I been
so selfish that I did not see the love or, deep down in my heart
didn’t I expected somewhere that she would come to me once. That
unbearable pain and the loss to gain her back were too much to handle,
I tried to wave my hand over her and surprisingly to my amazement she
felt my presence. I did it again and again, yet she was like looking
in the empty space.

It was evening, the sun was setting down, the birds were flocking back
to their houses and perhaps my last journey and in this dusky light I
was with her alone. My heart was like ripped out, completely shatters
and then it happened, tears started trickling from my eyes. At last, I
could feel them, in an instance I saw my soul vanishing, evaporating
with green small ashes little by little rising up in the air. I can
see my hand turning into ashes, my legs, my whole body and finally my
eyes.  My last adieu to this wonderful world where I could have lived
so much more, could have enjoyed but I myself chained me, sadly
turning myself into a machine which works as per instructions, things
could have been much better, yet, for the last time I saw this world,
this earth where I lived my life and all the memories since my
childhood flashed past me in a second and then everything started
turning hazy, then blurred and finally everything was blank.